You should be your harshest critic AND your biggest fan ⭐
How to cheer yourself on without being prideful & what makes YOU your best motivator
Five years ago, I was fighting to stay awake in my 8 AM Intro to Psychology class when the professor began to discuss a concept that snapped me to attention: human locus of control. If you’ve learned about “locus of control” before, you may not have found it a particularly exciting topic. It certainly was for me, though, for this lesson taught me that a simple mindset shift could change everything about my future.
Locus of control refers to the way an individual interprets the events and outcomes in their life. The developer of the concept, Julian Rotter, believed that we each ascribe to one of two thought patterns: an internal locus of control or an external locus of control. A person with an internal locus of control believes outcomes in their life are dependent on what they do, while a person with an external locus of control believes outcomes in their life are dependent on external factors that are outside of their control.1
Then, my professor explained that people with an internal locus of control tend to “go farther” in life because they see events and outcomes as within their control. For example, if they don’t do well on a test, they assume they didn’t study well enough, hard enough, or early enough. So, they plan to study better next time.
People with an external locus of control are more likely to blame their poor test grade on external factors, claiming their teacher made the exam too hard or their little sibling wouldn’t leave them alone to study the night before. While these excuses may be entirely valid, there is an obvious issue with this thought pattern: the refusal to recognize that a personal change could have made things turn out better.
One of the simplest ways to understand the dichotomy between an internal and external locus of control is this: for those with an external locus of control, things happen to them. For those with an internal locus of control, however, things happen because of them.2
In that moment, I decided that I would recognize my own agency in the events and outcomes in my life. I would learn from my experiences by figuring out how I could do better the next time. I would not assume things happened to me because of factors I had no control over.
Naturally, there is a spectrum when it comes to locus of control. For instance, I do accept that some things are outside of my control, like tornados and flight changes. I don’t necessarily think it’s unhealthy to believe that there are things outside of my control or to believe that there’s a God that ultimately controls what happens in the world, etc. But when it comes to my personal and writing development, I’ve opted to assume that I can do something differently after each failure. This results in more opportunities, sure, but it also results in giving myself more grace.
Here’s the thing: it’s healthy to recognize my own flaws because I can’t grow if I believe I’m already perfect!
We often convince ourselves that recognizing our flaws and accepting our failures are unhealthy signs of self-hatred or self-sabotage. If we dwell on our flaws, they certainly can be unhealthy. But when I can name my flaws, I find it much easier to accept them and let go of my compulsive need to pretend to be perfect.
Why?
Because flaws are normal. There’s not a single flawless person on the planet. Everyone is flawed.
There’s something incredibly comforting about that! If everyone is flawed, then your flaws don’t make you abnormal, less-than, or incapable. If the Albert Einsteins of the world and the Mother Teresas of the world are flawed, you don’t have to worry that you’re not good enough because of your flaws.
With this mindset, you can recognize where you need to grow, accept your flaws in a healthy way, and cheer yourself on without being overly prideful.
It’s also important to remember that no one is able to motivate or hold you back like you. What you tell yourself matters,3 so carefully consider: what do you believe about you? What do you believe about your level of control over your circumstances?
And would changing those thought patterns help you become happier and more successful?
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Info quoted from Philip Zombardo and summary by James Neill. Full source attached here. https://www.usmcu.edu/Portals/218/What%20is%20Locus%20of%20Control%20by%20James%20Neill.pdf
https://www.simplypsychology.org/locus-of-control.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-health-nerd/202111/how-you-talk-to-yourself-matters
Emma,
this was such a refreshing and empowering reflection, practical without being cold, wise without being heavy-handed.
You didn’t just talk about internal versus external locus of control, you breathed real life into it.
You reminded us that recognizing our flaws isn’t a weakness, it’s a doorway to real strength, and that true self-compassion starts by telling ourselves the truth about where we stand.
I loved how you wove grace into growth; how you showed that taking ownership of our lives doesn’t mean punishing ourselves, but inviting ourselves to do better next time, gently but firmly.
This is the kind of writing the world needs more of:
Grounded.
Encouraging.
Honest without being brutal.
Loving without being naïve.
You didn’t just teach a concept, you modeled it with your own voice and story.
And that makes all the difference.
Thank you for offering this, it’s a gift more people needed than they probably realize.
Stay entangled, my friend.
—The Bathrobe Guy
I appreciated this. Thank you for writing